How Learning to “Live in the Gray” Builds Resilience and Prevents Burnout

The Key to Resilience

“Jenn, things aren’t black and white. You need to learn to live in the gray.”

I still remember when my former boss, Matt, said that to me. I was in my 20s, and my inner perfectionist cringed. Back then, I saw the world in absolutes — right or wrong, win or lose, success or failure. Black and white thinking was the key to my success to that point; a world without absolutes didn't make sense to me.

Gray felt like indecision. Like giving up control. Like weakness.

But over time, I learned that gray isn’t weakness — it’s wisdom, and it's essential for leadership. In today’s world of constant change and uncertainty, learning to live in the gray is one of the most important skills for resilience, well-being, and avoiding burnout.

As a Denver-based resilience speaker and burnout speaker, I see this every day: leaders and high achievers who are exhausted not because they don’t care, but because they care too much about getting it “right.”

Mental Flexibility: The Superpower of Uncertain Times

Mental flexibility (or cognitive flexibility) is your ability to adapt your thinking, reframe challenges, and hold multiple truths at once—especially when things don’t go as planned.

It’s the difference between:

• “I failed that presentation.” vs “That presentation didn’t go as I wanted, but I learned something for next time.”

• “I didn’t hit my goal—I’m falling behind.” vs “I didn’t hit it yet, but I made meaningful progress.”

• “That person is wrong.” vs “Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing.”

This skill is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence and is essential for managing stress, uncertainty, and team dynamics.

The Cost of Black-and-White Thinking

When leaders or teams cling to rigid thinking (“it’s right or wrong,” “win or lose”), they create unrealistic expectations that erode trust, engagement, and well-being.

Here’s how it shows up:

• Leaders expect perfection—and their teams disengage out of fear.

• High achievers define success as “all or nothing”—and burn out trying to stay ahead.

• Teams freeze during change because they can’t see possibilities beyond “this won’t work.”

  
  

And research backs this up:

• The American Psychological Association associates inflexible thinking with increased stress and reduced resilience during periods of change.

• A 2024 McKinsey study found that companies with adaptable leaders outperform competitors by 30% in times of disruption.

• Frontiers in Psychology found that individuals with high cognitive flexibility experience lower anxiety, depression, and burnout.

Why Mental Flexibility Builds Resilience

When you practice mental flexibility, you train your brain to:

✅ Stay grounded under stress

✅ Find solutions faster

✅ Adapt to change with less anxiety

✅ Maintain confidence even when outcomes are unclear

Right now, change and uncertainty are constants. Trying to force certainty only makes anxiety worse. The solution isn’t control—it’s capacity. Capacity to stay curious. To pause. To look for nuance. That’s what real resilience looks like.

Living in the Gray” in Action

Here’s what it looks like in real life:

❌ Black and white: “That mistake ruined my credibility.”

✅ Gray mindset: “I messed up—but I owned it and showed growth.”

❌ Black and white: “If we can’t do it exactly as planned, we’ve failed.”

✅ Gray mindset: “We can adapt and still make progress.”

❌ Black and white: “I didn’t get the job—I’m not good enough.”

✅ Gray mindset: “That job wasn’t the right fit. What can I learn for next time?”

How Leaders Can Model Mental Flexibility

Leaders set the tone for how their teams handle change, stress, and uncertainty. Here’s how to start building this mindset at work:

1. Use “Both/And” LanguageReplace either/or thinking with both/and statements.“This is hard and we’re capable.”“We missed the mark and we’re still on the right path.”

   
   

2. Reframe Failures in Real TimeWhen something goes wrong, model it.“That idea didn’t land, and that’s okay. I’m glad we tried. Let’s use it to adjust.”

   
   

3. Reward Effort and AdaptabilityInstead of only celebrating results, acknowledge resilience.“Thanks for staying flexible—that’s what keeps us moving forward.”

   
   

4. Encourage “Gray Space” Reflection

   Ask your team:

   • What’s the nuance here?

   • What were the bright spots?

   • What did we learn that isn’t obvious?

These small moments create psychological safety, helping teams recover faster from setbacks and build stronger relationships in the process.

Final Thought: The Goal Isn’t Certainty—It’s Capacity

In today’s high-pressure world, we’re all craving clarity. But mental flexibility is what allows us to thrive without it. Learning to “live in the gray” isn’t a soft skill—it’s a survival skill. It’s how leaders build resilience, strengthen emotional intelligence, and create workplaces that support wellbeing and sustainable success.

Looking for a Resilience or Burnout Speaker for Your Next Event?

I’m Jenn DeWall, a Denver-based keynote speaker specializing in resilience, burnout prevention, wellbeing, and emotional intelligence.

I help teams and leaders go Become Better Than Burned Out by building emotional well-being.

You spend a third of your life at work, why not make it better?