How to Stop People-Pleasing and Set Better Boundaries
- Jenn DeWall
- Jul 8
- 4 min read
Hi, I’m Jenn—and I’m a recovering people pleaser. Actually no I’m not in recovery. I’m in a state of continued effort to stop being a people pleaser.
For most of my life, I believed that the secret to success was making everyone else happy… even if it completely tanked my mental health, energy, or sanity.
🙋Someone’s struggling? I jump in.
🙋 A last-minute favor? Of course! I know I’m with family or friends but I have time.
🙋 A work request at 9 p.m. on a Friday? Sure. Why not ruin my weekend?
What looks like generosity on the outside is often fear on the inside. Fear of being judged. Fear of being seen as “not helpful.” Fear of not being enough.
But here’s the truth: Constantly saying “yes” is a mindset trap that leads directly to stress, burnout, and the emotional exhaustion so many high-achievers are quietly carrying. It’s also a confidence drainer as you never see yourself in your decisions.
The Hidden Mental Health Toll of Saying Yes
People-pleasing isn’t about kindness—it’s about fear management. And it comes at a steep cost:
🔁 You override your limits. Every decision and effort becomes harder.
😩 You ignore your needs. You're likely stress eating or drinking and skipping that workout.
🧠 You short-circuit your executive functioning (yes, research confirms this).
According to the Journal of Vocational Behavior, blurred work-life boundaries are directly linked to emotional exhaustion—one of the top predictors of burnout. And a 2021 study by the APA found that poor boundary-setting habits are associated with disrupted sleep, increased anxiety, and chronic stress-related health problems.
Why Is Saying “No” So Hard?
If you're a leader, high-achiever, or deeply empathetic human, here’s why boundaries can feel so impossible:
Fear of being seen as difficult or selfish
Fear of conflict or awkwardness
Fear of letting people down or looking weak
Fear of missing out or being left out
Fear of judgment
Fear of looking like you “can’t handle it”
These fears drive over-functioning and perfectionism—two major contributors to burnout and diminished emotional intelligence in the workplace.
Meet the Burnout Personas
When you ignore your boundaries for too long, you don’t just burn out—you become someone else entirely. I call this your Burnout Persona:
🔥 Doormat Donna – Walked all over, still smiling.
😤 Martyr Martha – Self-sacrificing for approval.
💣 Nicezilla – Silent too long… now explodes.
🚫 Boundaryless Becky – No limits. All resentment.
📅 SayYes Sabrina – Booked out for everyone but herself.
💄 Burnout Barbie – Looks polished, emotionally melting.
😭 Exploding Empath – Took on everyone’s stress and finally cracked.
👉 Who are you when you’re deep in burnout mode?
The Relationship & Happiness Fallout
Living in your burnout persona doesn’t just drain your productivity. It wrecks your relationships and robs your joy:
💔 You become short-tempered with loved ones.
💔 You say yes with resentment—and start blaming others.
💔 You feel disconnected from yourself and others.
💔 You feel guilty resting, like you have to earn it.
💔 You stop dreaming. Stop planning. Start surviving.
That’s not leadership. That’s burnout in a high-functioning costume.
How to Set Better Boundaries (Without Guilt)
Good news: You don’t have to abandon your kindness—you just have to protect it. Here’s how:
Use a Simple Boundary Script “Thanks for thinking of me! I don’t have the capacity right now.” Or, “I’d love to help, but I’d be overextending myself.”
Buy Yourself Time “Let me check and get back to you.” (This gives you space to evaluate if you’re saying yes from fear or alignment.)
Check Your Why Before committing, ask: “Am I saying yes to be liked—or because I want to?”
Start With One Small No This Week Decline a meeting you don’t need to attend. Cancel a non-essential commitment.
Set One Digital Boundary No email after 6 p.m. Use “Scheduled Send.” Let others disconnect too.
🧠 Bonus: The University of Illinois found that after-hours communication—even without an expectation of reply—increases burnout and decreases overall job satisfaction.
The Bottom Line
Saying “yes” to everything is not a badge of honor—it’s a burnout strategy.
If you want to lead with impact, build resilience, and maintain mental clarity, you need to start with protecting your own energy.
Because here’s the truth:
✨ You deserve boundaries that respect your time.
✨You deserve work that doesn’t cost your well-being.
✨You deserve to show up as your whole self—not your burnout alter ego.
🙋 Want to help your team stop spiraling toward burnout—and start thriving instead? Let’s talk! I’m a keynote speaker and coach who helps high-achievers reset their mindset, build real confidence, and develop the emotional intelligence needed to lead with energy (not exhaustion).
If you're planning an event or looking to inspire your team, I’d love to support you.
Let’s make work feel more human—and a whole lot less draining.
📩 DM me or visit jenndewall.com to get started.
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