How to Deal with Anger Without Bottling It Up or Blowing Up

Have you gotten an email or Slack message this week that made you want to reply with, “Per my last message…” but with rage?

Or maybe you were at Starbucks, silently begging your barista to move faster while they were operating on “chill mode” and you were running on “emergency caffeine now.”

Or—my personal favorite—your partner wants to connect after a long day, but all you want is to be left alone to doom scroll and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Apologies to my husband, as I am guilty of this.

Sound familiar?

The Real Problem with Anger (It’s Not What You Think)

Your Anger is a sign. Not a sign that you're flawed or broken. It’s a sign that you’re stressed, burned out, or feeling a threat. It’s a normal response.

The truth is that anger, irritability, impatience, and frustration are all normal responses to chronic stress. And most people I talk to right now—leaders, parents, high achievers, baristas—are walking around simmering just beneath the surface. 

But here’s the problem with anger: we were not taught what to do with anger. Instead, we got messages like:

• Don’t rock the boat—just keep it to yourself.

• Good leaders/parents/people don’t show anger.

• Anger makes you look weak, emotional, or out of control.

• People won’t like you if you’re angry.

  
  

So we bottle it up. We mask it. We turn it inward. And that emotional pressure builds—until we’re exploding over tiny things or completely shutting down.

As someone who coaches and speaks on emotional intelligence and burnout recovery, I see this all the time. Smart, capable professionals who think something is wrong with them—when really, they’ve just never been shown how to listen to their anger and respond to it with intention instead of shame.

How to Deal with Anger (Without Blowing Up or Shutting Down)

Let’s stop seeing anger as a flaw and start using it as a signal. Here’s how.

1. Pause and Name It

🧠 “I’m feeling angry right now.” Labeling the emotion activates the thinking part of your brain and helps calm the fight-or-flight response.

Real-life example: A coworker takes credit for your idea in a meeting (again). Instead of snapping, you pause and say to yourself, “I feel angry because I feel disrespected.” That moment of recognition gives you the power to choose your next move—that’s emotional intelligence at work.

2. Get Curious, Not Judgmental

❓What boundary was crossed? What need is unmet? What story am I telling myself?

Real-life example: You’re angry because your team keeps missing deadlines, and you’re stuck picking up the slack. Instead of thinking, “Why is everyone so lazy?”, you get curious: “What else might be going on? Have I set clear expectations? Am I assuming it’s all on me to fix?” This reflection can shift you from feeling resentful to more curious and intentional. Leaders with high emotional intelligence use reflection to find solutions, not scapegoats.

3. Move Your Body

💥 Anger is energy—give it somewhere to go.

Real-life example: After five Zoom meetings, two instant message fights, and zero lunch breaks, you’re one tech issue away from losing it. Instead of pushing through, step outside. Walk. Stretch. Shake it off. A few minutes of movement helps your nervous system reset. Even walking for as little as 10 minutes has been proven to have huge benefits in combatting stress.

4. Speak from the Feeling, Not the Fire

Learn to identify how you’re feeling and ask for what you need.

🔥 “I’m feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated” instead of “You never help me!”

Real-life example: Your partner didn’t clean the kitchen like they said they would. Instead of lashing out, try, “I’m feeling drained from work, and I could really use some help tonight.”

Emotional intelligence isn’t about never getting mad—it’s about knowing how to express what you need without causing harm.

5. Treat Anger Like a Compass

It’s pointing to something important. Learn from it. Self-awareness is hard to build because we rarely take the time to reflect. What was the circumstance, situation, or trigger that made you angry? Identify it and build self-awareness to better manage your reaction to it.

Real-life example: You’re furious after being passed over for a promotion. Instead of spiraling into self-doubt or bitterness, you ask, “What is this anger trying to show me?” Maybe it’s a sign your values don’t align with your current company—or that it’s time to advocate more clearly for your growth. Anger becomes a signal, not a shutdown.

6. Use the Power of Deep Breathing

🌬️ Breathing is your built-in reset button. Use it.

When you're angry, your nervous system is on high alert. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and your brain goes into survival mode. Deep breathing is one of the fastest ways to calm your system, restore clarity, and shift back into emotional control—a key skill in emotionally intelligent leadership. I recommend doing this in between meetings as a sort of cleanse that allows you to reset and refocus for your next interactions.

Real-life example: You’re about to enter a difficult conversation with your boss or team, and your anger is bubbling just beneath the surface. → Before you speak, try this: 

Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat 3–5 times. 

This activates the parasympathetic nervous system (your "rest and digest" mode), helping you stay grounded, thoughtful, and less likely to say something you’ll regret.

Breathwork is not just for yogis—it’s for burned-out professionals who want to lead with intention, not reaction.

The Bottom Line

Anger doesn’t make you a bad person, a bad leader, or a failure.It makes you human.

And when you learn to work with your anger—not suppress it or explode with it—you start reclaiming your energy, your boundaries, and your sanity.

So the next time you find yourself ready to hit "Reply All" with a mic-drop-level clapback... pause. Breathe. Get curious.

Your anger might just be trying to tell you something really important.

🔥 Ready to go from burned out to better than ever?

If your team is struggling with stress, low confidence, or mental exhaustion, it’s time for a fresh conversation—one that’s real, energizing, and actually useful.

I'm a motivational speaker who blends science-backed tools with humor and heart, I help audiences break free from self-doubt, shift their mindset, and build emotional resilience in a high-pressure world.

Whether you're planning a leadership retreat, association meeting, conference, company event, or mental health awareness program, I bring a message that inspires change—without the fluff.

🎤 Book me to speak on burnout, confidence, mindset, and mental health—and give your people the tools to thrive (not just survive).

👉 Let’s create something powerful together. Email me at hello@jenndewall.com to get started